Let’s talk about sex, because it turns out the most important part of cultivating a healthy sex life is talking about how you feel and what you need in a healthy sex life. Only 8% of couples who can’t comfortably talk about sex with one another say that they’re satisfied sexually.
Here is an example of a couples sex life conversation that has little or no influence in improving a healthy sex life.
Simone: We’re doing better. It’s not as much of a problem as it was a few years ago.
Andrew: I feel like we are more secure as a couple now. I’m not sure I would say the problem is solved, though.
Simone: Do you feel like anything has changed?
Andrew: How do you feel about it?
Simone Well, I viewed the problem as something that would destroy our marriage and now I don’t worry about it anymore.
Andrew: I never thought it was a threat.
When partners talk to each other about their sexual needs, their conversations are often indirect, vague, and left unresolved. Typically both partners are in a rush to finish the discussion, hoping their partner will understand their desires without saying much.
The less direct you are about what you want, the less likely you are to get it.
It’s common for couples to want to talk about sex, yet they struggle to find the right words to express themselves without sounding critical or feeling embarrassed.
Below some great tips about talking about sex.
1. Be kind and positive
The key to talking about sex is not to criticize. If you do, the conversation will end faster than a “quickie.”
Saying “You never touch my body” is going to make your partner touch you less. Instead try, “Kissing last weekend in the laundry room was sexy. I want more of that, I felt so good!” Instead of “I hate it when you touch me there,” try, “It feels so amazing when you touch me here.”
2. Be patient
Talking about sex can be uncomfortable. Due to our upbringing, many of us have shame connected to enjoying sex, much less talking about our needs and desires. If you or your partner feel this way, go slow. Start by talking about your feelings about sex, such as the messages you received growing up. Having that kind of conversation is a powerful way to enhance your feelings of safety with each other.
3. Don’t take it personally
I know this sounds counterintuitive because sex includes you, but a large part of what turns your partner on or off isn’t about you. Sex drive can be blocked by stress, feelings of shame, and so on. Just because your partner isn’t in the mood doesn’t mean they don’t find you attractive. Nor does it mean your lovemaking skill is bad.